Nitta Jimmy kicks ass

If you haven't met Jimmy yet, then you haven't done a lot of things(The nitta
means kick-ass in Japanese). Add 'Meet Jimmy' to your to-do list. Full priority.
Forget painting a self-portrait or visiting the seven wonders of the world or
having a threesome with two German chicks. This is better. Well, maybe not the
threesome part, but you get it. He is one of the few people i know to be
included in the bible. Jim 3:21 goes as follows "And on the 5th day, God
created Jim. Then, with all the crap left over he created the rest of you
assholes on the 6th day". He stands a massive 12 ft. tall, with broad shoulders
and a perfectly chiseled body. His face can only be described as a pantheon of
design, a marriage of craftsmanship and architecture. His jet black hair is
slicked back and his goattee gives him the look of a man who is wise beyond his
years. His wisdom is accompanied by immense strength. Jimmy created Victoria Falls, The Grand Canyon, Mount Everest AND Marianas Trench when he was looking for the TV remote. They say if you shake hands with Jimmy, you can get a bit of his
knowledge or a bit of his looks. Don't believe me? Ask Leonardo Da Vinci, Isaac Newton and Albert
Einstein. Not to mention Cindy Crawford(unless you sniff glue you'll realize
she got the good lucks and not the wisdom). Thankfully, an Italian sculptor was
kind enough to make an immortalization of Jimmy, and some asshole named David
took credit for it.
You'll notice the willy is of moderate size. It's not
Jimmy's actual weiner. The sculptor told Jimmy that there were not enough rocks
in the world to accurately depict Jimmy's wang. As he said before he lost his
eyesight due to the enormous size of Jimmy's dong...Jimmy kicks ass

Wassabi kicks ass

Those of you who think wassabi is a japanese mustard that is violently hot are only half right in my case. My roommate Wael a.k.a Wassabi a.k.a Whale a.k.a. Rhino can be a deadly force of nature with a destructive power rivalled by God, Hercules, and that one dude from Matrix Neo. The only reason humanity has endured so long is because of his phenomenal ability to control his temper. I have included a chart of Wassabi's responses to my mishaps.
This is not to say, of course, that he is a pushover...Bad things happen if Wassabi gets mad. An artist's impression of one incident...
Besides being a risk to the U.S.'s national security, Wassabi also happens to be one of the few mortals who can challenge my eating skills. His videogaming skills would make a Japanese nerd run home to his mom. His flatulence would shame the fart champions of the world, and he has been dubbed 'the silent killer'. Unless he declares 'safety', your olifactory muscles will never be quite the same again. Anyway, as Satan said while wassabi dragged him from the Garden of Eden because he refused to leave....Wassabi kicks ass.

Ryan kicks ass

Now, you're probably not familiar with Ryan Khatib, but you're actually reading a blog so you're probably not familiar with arithmetic as well. My good friend Ryan Khatib is what you' d call a nagaphile. This does not mean he hunts and molests nagas, it means he is a big fan of the Japanese culture. Anime, RPG's, Bukkake...well, maybe not the last so much. I've taken the trouble to include a picture of him for your benifit. As you can see, it's pretty badass(he's the fella in the middle). Ryan's one of those tolerant people who look past my rough exterior, and see the innocent boy...No wait, a minute, wrong blog. He's a tolerant person alright. Ryan's not quite partial to crackheads and he seems to tolerate me on a regular basis. It could have something to do with that copy of Kingdom Hearts i have. Well, anyway, ryan's biography is as follows. A samurai
thrust his sword into the ocean and when he took it out, three perfect drops of land were formed(pretty suggestive metaphor, eh?). Besides the islands, a boy was created. A boy so Japanese the mortals trembled at his sight. Japan endured marvelously for thousands of years, until the insidious Americans forced it to modernise. Before anyone knew it, Japan was drawn into World War 2. On the morning of August 6, 1945 the United States Army Air Forces dropped the nuclear weapon "Little Boy" on the city of Hiroshima, followed three days later by the detonation of the "Fat Man" bomb over Nagasaki, Japan. One week later, the Japanese army unleashed it's dealiest weapon against Americanisation...Ryan. U.S. Marines guarding American TV stations from the Japanese threat only had this to say after Ryan infiltrated...Ryan kicks ass

Jimmy Urine kicks ass

Ahh, yes, Little Jimmy Urine. Lead singer of the chaotic underground band Mindless Self Indulgence .His full name is James Euringer, but he earned his alias through a stunt on stage where he urinated in a cup...and drank it. Then he shouted 'Who wants to kiss me now motherfuckers?'. Apparently, three girls and one guy did. If you don't think that's cool, then you are probably caprophagic. That means you eat shit. And it'll be a cold day in hell when i take lip off a poop-muncher. Where were we, ah yes, the name. Well, owning up to his reputation, Jimmy has made all of his shows quite the interesting experience. Usually dressed in a fishnet shirt and shorts/pants cut to look like a skirt with bright pink hair, Jimmy certainly has an unconventional dress code. If you think his dress code is gay, you're on the right track. It's intentional. If i should ever get sent to prison for any particular altercation, i must ask you nicely that you avoid sodomizing me. Why, you ask? Because i'm saving myself for Jimmy Eurine. And if you think that's weird, the only reason you don't want to have anal sex with another man is because you were molested as a child. Ha Ha , your daddy touched you in your woo-woo. Owing to their name, MSI has little regard for sensitivity. Jimmy Eurine's senseless lyrics(he frequently tells fans not to bother figuring them out) and crazy focals frequently touch on matters like homosexuals and emo kids. Doing everything from trying to piss off audience members(drinking their beer, stealing their clothes, smoking their cigarettes, telling people to throw things at him, and throwing their own drinks back at them) to taking out his penis and trying to light his pubes on fire(he got arrested for that one), Jimmy is the epitome of a committed musician. As opposed to those artists who try and help children with cancer. Hey, if you ask me, it's pretty much a done deal. Even if the little bastard does make it, he'll probably start thinking he's a divine incarnation of Jesus. Hence, he will start a cult and end it by coercing all the members into drinking kool-aid laced with cyanide. So if you don't like what Jimmy Urine does, you like cults...and cults DON'T kick ass. Moving right along, Mr. Urine's music is highly unique. Thinking the band was above a normal genre, Jimmy coined the phrase Industrial jungle pussy punk. Creating his own genre wasn't really an arrogance move, though, it was more an issue of finding a genre that satisfactorally applies to them. MSI combines dozens of different musical genres and styles, producing a sound cooler and smoother than anything out there. They have been called a punk rock band, but they have also incorporated hip-hop, electronica, techno and even Atari-produced music. I really have no experience in the music business. I can't argue which bands are commercial or mainstream and which are too heavy or just heavy enough, but take my word on this. Jimmy Urine kicks ass

Trey Parker kicks ass

If you don't know who Trey Parker is, you're a child rapist. Why? Because if you're grown-up and you don't like the stuff he produces, then you like children's programming. A grown individual doesn't normally enjoy children's programming... Thus, you're a child rapist. In case you didn't know, Trey Parker is best known for creating Comedy Central's South Park, an animated show about a four little boys who live in a small town in Colorado where weird shit happens. Not unlike many of the members of today's youth, they have 'the faces of angels and the mouths of sailors' The show itself is pure genius, mainly thanks to Trey Parker but also thanks to his partner and good friend, Matt Stone. The beauty of South Park is that it offers outrageous comedy as well as insight into a number of hot topics they basically poke fun at. This is, of course,unlike many of today's so-called 'comedy sitcoms', which almost always feature a family with a dumb alcoholic father, a sex-addicted slut of a daughter, a closet homosexual son and a mother who puts up with all their shit and finds it in her heart to bone the fat slob even though she usually has a sweet rack and subsequently the ability to date attractive people. Where were we, Trey has also created the hilarious films 'Baseketball' and 'Orgazmo'. The former is the story of two guys who create a new sport and struggle to make it following the death of their mentor, and the latter is the tale of a mormon missionary who becomes a pornstar/superhero. Besides his stunning skills in the satire department, Trey Parker has created some impressive music for his series. One promininent example of this is the South Park episode entitled 'Mr. Hankey's Christmas Special'. Moving right along, here are some interesting Trey Parker facts.
Trey Parker:
Is a gun owner.
Is left-handed.
Stand 6'1 (1m85).
Is a pianist.
Is a Denver Broncos fan.
His favorite movie director is Stanley Kubrick.
Lived in Japan for a period, speaks Japanese, and has been described as a nagaphile (lover of Japanese culture).
Is a member of the band DVDA .
Is a big fan of The Cure and Radiohead.
Is a fan of Les Misérables (musical) and has featured repeated homage to it in his creations.
Is also credited as Juan Schwartz. Which is a parody of the alias Alferd Packer used (John Schwartze).
Has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do.
Folks, ya might think this gay, but i would consider it an honor and a privilege to slob on his knob. And if you think being gay is so bad, i ask you to consider the following: Madonna is a woman. Still think being straight is cool? Well, i suppose i should be wrapping this up. There's no biography included in this bit, since it's too long to include. Long story short, God did Carmen Electra and Trey Parker was born. And if you don't wanna rot in hell for offending the good Lord, you'll agree with me on this one...Trey Parker kicks ass.

Chrisian Slater kicks ass

Ah yes, Christian Slater. Once again, i think his name is beyond all definition of cool. If his name was a woman, i would take her out to dinner, whisper sweet nothings in her ear and do stuff to her face involving my wang. Moving right along, he was born Christian Michael Leonard Hawkins on August 18, 1969 in New York City. After a start in 1976 in his TV debut on the ABC soap opera One Life to Live, he undertook stage work including a 1980 stage debut opposite Dick Van Dyke in touring revival of "The Music Man". He made his big screen debut in 1985 in the film "The Legend of Billie Jean". He has since gone on to acclaim in both film and stage roles, appearing in films such as Alone in the Dark, Windtalkers, Pump Up the Volume, Mobsters: The Evil Empire, Cletis Tout and 3000 Miles to Graceland. Though his filmography is not exactly as stunning as it should be, this could have something to do with his 'well tabloid publicised record of alcohol and drug abuse, and a series of high profile female relationships'. That's just fancy talk for 'living it up'. I want one of my kids to turn out just like Christian Slater. I'll make the little bastard watch all of Mr. Slater's films. Or better yet, i'll have Christian come over to my house and fuck my wife. A ha, it's perfect. Where were we...ah yes, the 'abuse'. Well, Mr. Slater's altercations are listed as follows:

• On December 29, 1989, Slater crashed into a telephone pole in West Hollywood, California and then led police on a car chase and kicked an officer.
• On December 23, 1994, Slater was arrested at John F. Kennedy International Airport for bringing a gun on to an airplane.
• In 1995, his ex-fiance, Nina Huang, sued him for palimony. The two reportedly settled out of court with Slater paying Huang $100,000.
• On August 11, 1997, Slater was arrested by police in Los Angeles and charged with three counts of assault with a deadly weapon and one count of battery. Slater, drunk and high on heroin, punched his then-girlfriend, fashion editor Michelle Jonas, in the face at a party and biting a man who attempted to protect her. Slater did not go quietly, but hid in a stairwell and fought with officers, reportedly shouting, "the Germans are coming and they will kill us!" He than attacked a police officer. All the felony charges against him were eventually dropped. He was sentenced to three months in prison, serving 59 days for good behavior
• In 2003, his wife, Ryan Haddon, was arrested for beating up Slater at a Hard Rock Cafe while on a trip to Las Vegas and he later received stitches. Slater has filed for divorce from Haddon for spousal abuse
• On May 31, 2005, Slater was arrested around 1:50 a.m. in Manhattan's Upper East Side, near 93rd Street and Third Avenue, after a woman told police that a man had grabbed her buttocks. She identified Slater as the man. Slater was arrested and charged with third-degree sexual abuse. The following July 14, prosecutors offered Slater a plea bargain but he refused it insisting the charges were false. On September 19, Slater accepted a better plea bargain whereby the charges would be dropped if he stayed out of trouble for six months

Well, it only seems like Mr. Slater is a victim of unfortunate circumstances. This is a cruel, cruel world where using a bit of physical coercion to show your wife/girlfriend what a bitch she's being is labeled 'battery' and 'domestic abuse'. Christian Slater is a good man and if you don't think so, then you're a communist. And communist's DON'T kick ass. And while we're on the topic, Christian Slater kicks ass.

Gene Hackman kicks ass

Ah, my first post. Appreciate this, dearies, as it took me a while to figure this shit out. Anyhow, the star of this segment is one Eugene Alden Hackman, better known as Gene Hackman. Mr. Hackman is actually the reason i created this blog, and i felt my appreciation for his work could go unheeded no longer. The first thing i'd like to bring attention to is his stunningly cool name. It is a name that commands respect. If you have a homosexual son, you won't call him Gene. You'll call him something faggy like Craig or Arnold. Well, moving right along, Gene was born in San Bernardino, California. After alternating residences and occupations following his parent's divorce, Hackman decided to become an actor as he went into his thirties. He became friends with Dustin Hoffman and Robert Duvall, and though the trio was struggling to find work at the time, Hackman eventually got his break in Broadway in 1964. This opened the door to his stunning movie career. Hackman brought class to such marvelous films as John Grisham's Runaway Jury, Behind Enemy Lines, Under Suspicion, Enemy of the State, The Firm(another Grisham), Unforgiven and The Poseidon Adventure. Gene Hackman is nothing short of an institution in the film industry, and he kicks ass.